Feeling like a newbie

For a while now, I have been thinking about how to proceed with my next few blog entries. It is pretty clear that life moves pretty fast and I will probably never fully catch up to present day. You may be thinking, “well, Martha, stop reading so many other blogs and work on your own.” And you are absolutely right. So, why my hesitation (or procrastination for which I am so well known for)? I was thinking about a few posts I have read on some other blogs, and it made me think about a subject which I just barely touched upon in one of my previous posts. I feel I must expound on a little bit more in case anyone might be having some of the feelings I had upon becoming a new mommy. So, indulge me, if you may, as I write a little bit more on the “mommy blues.”

I am sure there have been many mothers who have experienced the same sort of feelings associated with postpartum depression or what I like to call the "mommy blues": sadness, stress, awkwardness, anxiety, nervousness, weepiness and lethargy, while at the same time feeling inadequate, self-conscious, achy and sore. Some or all of these symptoms may also be associated to my lack of sleep and even breastfeeding for that matter. In any case, we all agree that the hormones do go a little stir crazy after giving birth.

I have definitely experienced some of these feelings after the birth of my son, Liam. Thankfully, I did receive lots of help from Church members and family by way of yummy meals, phone calls and visits as described in a previous post. There were times, however, when I felt very alone. I started to become somewhat of a hermit and just kept to myself. (I’m not a loner or anything; I do enjoy talking to people. I just feel like I’m socially awkward and I don’t even know how this has happened, really.) Anyway, I basically didn’t want to own up to the fact that I was a new mother who was somewhat clueless, and I didn’t really reach out to anyone except for maybe my husband. There were people that were reaching out to me, but I just couldn’t see it. I felt self-conscious and awkward, and sadly, it may have even cost me some great friendship opportunities, specifically here in Brooklyn. But, as they say, we live and learn and try to do better.

If I think about it long enough, it is probably a lot more deep than I care to admit; probably from having had parents who had a very different upbringing to that of mainstream America. Maybe it could be blamed on the fact that I was born and raised in New York City. After all, it is a very large and busy city and some things occasionally slip through the cracks. I remember as a child whenever I was afraid, sad, or confused, I longed for the comfort and reassurance from a loving parent. After failed attempts to communicate effectively what I was feeling at the moment, I learned to self-soothe quickly and moved on with my life. I can say that the same happened during my teenage years (and well, for most of my adult life). I came to a realization early on in my youth that the Catholic prayers I was told to recite could actually be followed by my own heart-felt prayers to God. So, I never really felt alone. I was happy to know that whenever it would become difficult to verbalize what I was feeling, I could turn to my one and only sure lifeline, PRAYER.

Later, I would become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was taught how to have meaningful prayer. At present, whenever I have such feelings as described above or feel lonely as I often do now that my husband has more responsibilities at work and at Church, I ask for a Priesthood Blessing if possible or I just pray long and hard and ask God to help me feel better right then and there, and I don’t get up until I actually do feel renewed.

It also helps me when I eat right and make a concerted effort in managing my time wisely thus keeping or at least trying to keep somewhat of a balance among the many roles in my life. You see, I can do more than two things because I AM a lot of things: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, LDS church member, a driver, personal shopper, cook, housekeeper, and corporate banker on sabbatical (I had to throw that one in there; don’t want to forget). Most of all, and I am ME with all of my varied interests. A great resource is for us has been "First Things First" by Stephen R. Covey.

Yes, I got married and had a baby later than is the norm, but I am truly ecstatic that my life-long wish has finally come true. I admit that sometimes I am afraid that something is waiting around the corner to mess it all up. But when I come to my senses, I realize that it is all me and my erroneous thoughts. That is when I quickly get on my knees and pray.

I am happy to say that I am still here, enjoying my new little family, in fabulous New York City, most of the time healthy and happy, and looking forward along with my loving husband to all the many milestones of our precious boy.

When Liam gazes up at me and looks me right in the eyes I know he is telling me that he loves me and that he is grateful to have me as his mommy.

Liam, my love, I’m grateful too!